December 13, 2019

Strap-Ons For Beginners - A Guide

The beauty of the strap-on lies in its versatility. While lots of people think strap-ons are exclusively for partners that both have vaginas, or for use in pegging, they’re actually much more inclusive than that. They can used to subvert or play with ideas of gender and anatomy, to assist with erectile issues or simply to act out a sexy fantasy. Today we’ll be covering the basics, but we have a separate piece on pegging if that's what you're lookin' for!

Start a Conversation

Are harnesses new to just you, or to both you and a partner? Conversation is totally required ahead of time to discuss general interest, boundaries, fantasies and who wants to wear and who wants to receive. Open lines of communication during the act are also crucial as the wearer can’t ‘feel’ exactly what they’re doing, so letting them know how the pressure, speed and depth is feeling for you is incredibly important.

Get Comfortable

There are seemingly endless types of strap-ons, harnesses and compatible toys available, how are you to choose?! We carry a jock-strap, with straps around the waist and over each butt cheek, because it’s comfy, affordable, stretches to fit a wide variety of bodies and is ungendered. We’re also huge fans of custom made harnesses, like these, that can be made to fit your specific body. Take a look at what’s out there and find something that works for you. An underwear style, like this one we carry, will be more comfortable for slow-to-moderate thrusting or wearing under your clothes. If you still feel overwhelmed with the options, a strap-on starter pack is the way to go. The one we carry from Tantus comes with a one-size-fits-most harness, and two sizes of dildos. The harness has a cute little front pocket with a bullet vibrator for extra fun :)

For more energetic play, you’ll want to go with something more rigid, less stretchy, like our leather option from Switch. Found here.

The Right Tool For the Job

The other most important part of your comfort is the toys you’re choosing to attach. Make sure you're looking at toys that are 'harness compatible' and have a flat or shallow cupped base that can rest comfortably against your body. (And quality materials only!) The goal is to find toys that feel amazing for the receiver and instill confidence in the wearer. This may have to do with size, but also with how realistic (or not realistic) both parties are comfortable with. If you’re using them vaginally, try starting with something about 1.25” - 1.5” wide (like Bellatrix or Purple Rain) and working your way up to something a little larger, if you so desire.

We've covered pegging in a separate article, but generally speaking, if you’re using a strap-on for anal sex, make sure the receiver has experimented with plugs and manual manipulation first. Always better to know your limits before choosing a toy and using it!

Fun For Everyone

Just because you’re on the giving end doesn’t mean that you can’t also be getting. While the idea alone of penetrating a partner is certainly exciting, you can also experience some direct stimulation in the process. Look for a style of harness with an internal pocket for tucking a small vibe, like a Mini or Yumi. This can feel amazing for people with any anatomy! If you have a vulva and enjoy penetration, try putting a toy safe for insertion (ideally with a flared base) into yourself first and each thrust will be felt by both of you.

Alone Time

Wearing a strap-on for the first time might feel pretty different and may even make you feel a little silly or uncomfortable, and for that reason we recommend taking it for a solo test ride first. Try putting it on and wearing it around the house. Heck, do the dishes, throw in some laundry. Part of many people’s enjoyment in wearing a harness and dildo is having it feel like an extension of their own body, so de-sexualizing it first makes it feel a little less foreign and a little more intimate.

Whether you experience dysphoria or are simply turned on by the idea of having a penis, masturbating while wearing a strap-on might be something you find you really enjoy. By tucking a vibrator into place inside the harness, you’re able to act out a jerking off motion while being stimulated. Explore! Have fun!

Start Slow

Now that you’ve got the right harness, a nice collection of dildos you’re both excited by and you’ve taken the time to discuss what you’d like to try, it’s time to explore together. Take things slow, show off to your partner, and if it turns you both on, try having your partner offer either oral or a hand job to your dildo first. You might also find that you have all the grace of a clueless teenager when you go to actually insert the toy (is this the right place?!) so take your time. You’ll surely both be really excited to jump in and try out your new toys but don’t forget the importance for foreplay and…

Lube, Lube, Lube!

No matter how silky soft your toys might be, you’re still going to want to use an almost silly-seeming amount of lube. Your toys will most likely be silicone, and if you’ve read our guide to using the right lube for the job, then you already know that you’ll most likely want to use a water-based lube. The downside to water-based lube is that it can dry quicker than silicone and usually needs to be reapplied. If you’re the wearer this can be hard to sense, so make sure you’re checking in.

Aftercare

Both the wearer and receiver might feel very vulnerable after using a strap-on. So take the time to be close and gentle with each other and to discuss what you liked and didn’t like for next time. Your gear will also need some care, so make sure to clean both your toys (read more on that here) and harness as soon as you can, to make sure you’re having not only fun but hygienic sex.