Whether you like keeping them to yourself, sharing them verbally with a partner or love acting them out, there is an endless bevy of sexual fantasies to engage with. Whether you act them out or not, fantasies start as a simple thought in the perfect sexual safe-space, your mind. Maybe it’s a scene from a porn (or Dirty Dancing), maybe it’s a real life experience with a past partner, maybe it’s wild and graphic or maybe it’s sweet and romantic, maybe you have no idea where the idea even came from, but one thing is for sure, it’s not ‘weird’. Even if you think your fantasy is unusual, chances are you’re far from the only one to have ever had that thought. Just remember Rule 34 of the internet—If you can imagine it, it exists as porn.
While there is no such thing as ‘normal’ when it comes to fantasies there are certainly some that are much more common. Here are the top 7 most common fantasies according to a study done by social psychologist Dr Justin Lehmiller, in which he interviewed 4,175 Americans of varied gender identities, races and sexual preferences about their sex lives in what is possibly the largest and most comprehensive survey of sexual fantasies in North America to date.
- BDSM (including giving up control)
- Opposites (ie: being with a partner if single and vice versa)
- Public Sex
- Watching or Being Watched
- Being Deeply Desired
- Sex With Someone of the Same Sex (specific to participants identifying as heterosexual)
Statistically, chances are pretty good you’ve considered a few, if not all of the fantasies on this list, and then some. Whether this is your fantasy safety zone or your mind likes to take it way, way further, we want you to feel comfortable exploring, tapping into and in some cases acting on your sexual fabrications.
When it comes to fantasies and masturbation, we tend to recycle the tried and true storylines and imagery that we know gets us going. Try expanding your sexual mind by watching porn or actively imagining new settings or scenarios. Don’t be concerned or confused if you get aroused by imagining things you don’t think you would actually enjoy in real life. This is absolutely normal. Your mind is letting you explore while remaining totally safe and completely in control. Let your mind go and see where it takes you.
Getting over the hurdle of talking openly about fantasies with a partner is a lot like talking about bringing toys to bed for the first time (read about that here). Openness, trust, understanding and reassurance are all extremely important. Some of the same feelings may emerge: “Am I not enough?” “Are you bored?” “Is this weird?”.
Fantasies that are safe, legal, and consensual, much like sex toys, exist to elevate everyone’s enjoyment. That being said, there is no guarantee that a partner will be into participating in your fantasy, and no obligation that you should have to act out theirs. Maybe you want to act out a submissive fantasy and acting aggressively dominant makes them uncomfortable. That’s OK and everyone’s boundaries should be discussed and must be respected.
So how do you start the conversation without fear of possible embarrassment or rejection? Try watching a porn together that you already know contains a fantasy of yours. Ask them if it turns them on. You can view the fantasy together from a safe distance without making either of you feel too vulnerable. Take cues from each other and if you feel like they’re comfortable, ask if it’s something they’d like to try.
Remember to discuss a safe word up front, that you both know will pump the brakes immediately if anyone changes their mind or becomes uncomfortable. Sharing a sexual fantasy can be extremely vulnerable, and feeling safe and comfortable needs to be considered at all times and every time. Just because you wanted to be called names and tied down on Tuesday doesn’t mean you want it on Thursday!
Role play is essentially acting on your fantasies, but typically with a little bit of theatrics mixed in. Whether you each have a character to act out or a scenario to reenact, role playing will come much more naturally to some people (Geminis and Leos, we see you) than it will to others. So here’s something important to remember—acting can be really sexy and serious, but if high school drama class taught us anything, it can also be cheesy and totally hilarious. If you feel silly, go ahead and laugh. Just try not to laugh at a partner, laugh with a partner or at yourself. You’re both putting yourself out there, so make sure no one is made to feel ridiculed.
If you’re non-monogamous or single, you might be intrigued by the idea of acting out fantasies with someone you don’t need to see the next morning or potentially ever again. And while that certainly has its appeal, you need to make sure that the ground rules are very clear, that you feel safe and that both parties are enthusiastically consenting to the arrangement. These are the same steps to consider with a regular partner but can be slightly harder to navigate with a stranger.
Fantasies are just that—fantastical!—but when we choose to bring them into reality we need to consider all the rules of safety and enthusiastic consent. And if you’re not ready to share your inner whims and sexy desires with anyone, that’s totally ok too. Try not to limit your mind and explore what ideas feel good to you. And most importantly, have fun!