Why Don’t I Orgasm During Partnered Sex?

You're not broken. You're just not a machine.

If you’ve ever faked it, waited for it, or left a hookup wondering if your body missed a memo, welcome. You're in a very large, very quiet club. Difficulty reaching orgasm during sex is super common, especially for people with vaginas and people on certain medications. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating. So what gives?

First things first: you're not the problem

There are a lot of reasons why orgasms don’t happen easily or consistently. Stress, hormonal shifts, medications, lack of sleep, performance anxiety, an awkward partner, or a position that hits absolutely nothing all count.

And then there’s this: “The most common reason someone doesn’t orgasm during sex is that the type of stimulation they need isn't happening,” says certified sex therapist Vanessa Marin. “Clitoral stimulation is essential for most women to orgasm, and intercourse alone often doesn’t provide enough.”
(Editor’s note: This applies to anyone with a vagina, not just women.)
(Source)

Translation: If you’re not getting there from penetration alone, you’re not broken. You’re actually pretty textbook.

In fact, only about 18 percent of people surveyed report reaching orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, according to a large 2017 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. Most people with vaginas require direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to orgasm. The same study also found that lesbian couples report significantly higher rates of orgasm, likely due to a prioritization of communication and some more focus on non-penetrative touch.

Good sex isn’t a race to the finish line

Pop culture taught us to treat orgasms like a goal post, but that mindset just adds pressure. Here’s a radical idea: what if sex was worth having even when no one "finishes"? Orgasms are fun, yes. But so is the build-up, the connection, the messiness, the laughter, the slowness, the teasing.

If you want to change your relationship to orgasming during partnered sex (and you absolutely can), a few things help:

• Figure out what you like when you’re alone. Masturbation is research.

• Bring your toys into the bedroom. Vibes are not a threat. They’re a team player.

• Talk to your partner. Saying, “Can we try this?” is a turn-on, not a complaint.

• Switch it up. Sometimes, all it takes is a new position, a little lube, watching porn together or a different pace. 

• Take the pressure off. Focus on sensation over outcome. Orgasms tend to arrive when you stop chasing them.

Still not happening?

If it feels like you've tried everything and orgasm is still elusive, a check-in with a sex therapist or medical provider is a good next step. Conditions like anorgasmia are real and should be discussed. 

But above all, remember this: your body is not a vending machine. Not everything works on demand. And not every orgasm has to happen in the same way, every time, with every person.

You're allowed to take your time. You're allowed to change. You're allowed to not climax and still call it great sex.