Dirty Talk as Communication and Consent
Are you turned on by dirty talk, but want to be more comfortable with it? There are people who have a vivid imagination and dirty talk flows easily from their lips into your ears. For the rest of us, dirty talk is a skill that can be learned and practiced. Our auditory sense delights in the phrases, words, and tones that feed our arousal. It’s a fabulous way to communicate what you like, what you don’t like, what you want, how you want to feel and what needs to be intensified or slowed down.
Use dirty talk to communicate before & during sex
Most of us didn’t have sex ed in school that taught us how to have intimate conversations around sex, ways to articulate our desires and how to invite our partners to communicate sexually. Many of us are left struggling with how to ask for what we want and how to respond to our partners with an enthusiastic yes or an empowered no.
Conversations outside of sexy time are important too and can hold space to discuss what we want to communicate without the need to feel sexy. Over time, practicing speaking up about your own likes and desires can make you feel more present and more trusting during sex.
Does dirty talk have to sound like porn?
Some kinds of dirty talk may really get you going, while others...really won't. Porn is a performance and can be erotically inspiring. It can also be intense and it’s designed to entertain. Dirty talk is versatile, it can be a whisper, an instruction, a tease or it can feed into roles that you’re playing with. Remember that words have boundaries too and it’s important to build knowledge of what words and phrases are turns on and offs.
Try some dirty talk tonight
Communication and consent conversations don’t ‘ruin the mood’ or ‘take away from spontaneity’, in fact, it creates a mood of trust. It encourages us to take responsibility for honoring our own boundaries, and it reassures us that someone cares about the kind of pleasure we want.
Whether you’re first-time or long-time partners, it’s important we stay open and curious about our partner’s erotic imaginations and their changing bodies. Ask your partner if they’d be interested in playing with some dirty talk the next time you have sex and what words they like and don't like. Some people might love being called 'daddy' or 'slut' and others might find it completely offputting. The same goes for anatomy, ask if there are descriptive words that either turns them off, turns them on or causes dysphoria. Here are different ways to start exploring dirty talk:
Express desire
“I’d love to feel your mouth on my neck, would you like to taste me?”
“I’m so ready to be inside you, tell me how much you want that.”
Encourage enthusiasm
“I get so turned on when I hear what you want.”
“It makes me want to devour you when I tell you what I want to do to you.”
Ask simple questions
“Harder or softer?”
“Faster or slower?”
Communicate re-direction
“Mmmmmm, you feel amazing, my favorite is when your tongue slowly and firmly licks me.”
“My clit/penis/nipple gets so swollen when you suck softly and slowly”
“You’re so hot right now, I want to feel your lips against mine, bring them up here.”
Communicate during roleplay
“You’re acting like a naughty slut, do you need a spanking or cuddles?”
“I feel like prey being pinned and devoured by you, make me whimper.”
Offer Options
“Babe, I love how you feel right now. Do you want my mouth on your chest or between your legs - tell me what you’d like”.
“I can’t wait to go down on you, but I love doing this too. What are you craving?”
Pro-tips: speak softly, slowly and with intent. Expect to feel awkward, try smiling, or pairing your phrase with a deliberate touch to your body or your partner.
Post-sex dirty talk
You might feel shy or worried about “ruining the mood” or have had past experiences where a partner responded poorly to feedback during sex. You have an opportunity post-sex, whether right after or days after, to de-brief. Invite your partner to talk about or sext you their favorite parts and anything that they could have done without. Be receptive and encouraging with both kinds of feedback.
Embrace playfulness
A big part of confidence with dirty talk comes from letting go of self-judgment - letting go of sex as a performance with specific goals and instead, enjoying the curiosity, the play and sometimes even the awkwardness! You might feel silly or unsure at first, remember to be gentle with yourself and affirming of your partner. Your goal is to give and receive new information that helps you and your partner bring in more connection, creativity, and eroticism!
Luna Matatas is a Sex, Pleasure and Body Confidence Educator with over 10 years experience teaching sexual health and wellness workshops. She celebrates body confidence, self-adoration and building shame-free pleasure in our lives. Luna is a self-identified craft slut; she created Peg the Patriarchy as part of her line of sex-positive and feminist merch. You can easily find Luna making nipple pasties, talking about butt stuff or helping couples and singles through Pleasure Coaching.
